It is no coincidence that as tears drop down my face, out- of- the- blue large rain drops, the biggest I’ve seen, shower my windshield. I imagine God-sized tears. I know He feels with me.
The sky is grey and I’m trying not to be. I pass an retirement center & a sad longing enters. I want to grow old. “Lord, I want to grow old!”
It is no coincidence that as that whisper leaves my lips that another enters my brain. “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.”
The rain is intense, making it hard to see. Should I brace myself for a storm? I’m surprised how fear has been replaced with sadness. That is not a coincidence, for God and I have done much work on fear. Sadness seems easier. Calmer. A relief, but not.
I drive just a couple more blocks. The rain stops as suddenly as it came on.
The song on the radio catches my attention–the word “beloved,” for it is what my name means. I’ve always loved the meaning of my name.
I listen intently, the words soothe & prepare. I find the melody and the same words running through my head the next day, in weak moments. I realize the song was given as a gift, its perfect words not a coincidence. I am determine to receive it. I lift my eyes and open my hands.
Almost home now, my eyes keep lifting. I am searching for the rainbow, for it is still raining but the sun is shining. I don’t find one, but I’ve seen God’s promise before, so I will keep my eyes lifted. What I find will be no coincidence.
And now, I’m home.
______________________
Health Update:
I went in for my ‘every 3 month’ checkup. There is a thickening in the area that my tumor used to be. Doc can also feel the same lymph node we have been watching. Because I have had some burning sensations there (symptoms I presented with 2 years ago) and because my cancer margin was so close to the chest wall (1 mil.), she is going to be extra cautious with me. The plan is to check it out with an MRI. We need insurance to approve it first, so we won’t know anything for a week or two.
We are hoping it is just scar tissue.
I am doing fine with it. After my tears that I spoke of above, I really have felt ok and at peace. Pretty used to this stuff, at least as used to it as I think I will get. It is never comfortable, the wondering & ‘what-if’s’ but it is familiar and I’ve been through it before, and I have a great God who calls me Beloved!
labbie1
July 13, 2012 at 11:55 pmI am praying for strength for you and your family in this time of trial. Here’s hoping for a miracle and great news!
karen gerstenberger
July 11, 2012 at 5:28 amWhere would we be without the Love of God? I’m so grateful that you have your faith, your hope, and your love for Him – and His love for you and your precious family – every step of the way.
God bless you, Amy!
Anonymous
July 11, 2012 at 3:26 amFellow survivor here. Malignant melanoma when I was 18. Breast cancer diagnosed three days before my 30th birthday. Ten years later… recovering from my third reconstruction surgery for my
breast cancer. Cancer changes you… Cancer made me appreciate thing so much more. I send you good thoughts, vibes and prayers your way. I know it is such a scary road. Much love from Texas.
Meeghan
July 10, 2012 at 4:44 amAll our love!
Leslie @ Farm Fresh Fun
July 9, 2012 at 5:31 pmBeautiful post. You are strong and God loves you (as do so many of us). You and your sweet family are in my prayers.
(((hugs)))
Leslie
Samantha
July 9, 2012 at 12:42 pmFellow survivor. You can do this. Our God is mighty and able to save. He doesn’t teach you to swim, just to let you drown, He doesn’t teach you to fly, just to let you fall. Prayer is covering you in this trying time.
BARBIE
July 9, 2012 at 2:20 amPraying that all of your tests come back clear. Asking Him to hold you close and lavish His love on you!
Vita @ Juicer Depot
July 9, 2012 at 4:33 amLife is full of challenges. It seems like there is always a curve in the road ahead. Stay strong and keep positive. I am hoping the best for Amy.
Peppermint Ph.D.
July 9, 2012 at 2:46 amPraying for you Amy. Stay strong.
Anonymous
July 9, 2012 at 1:09 amDee from Tennessee
Prayers from the rolling hills and mts of East Tennessee!!
Thoughts for the day
July 9, 2012 at 12:42 amWill be praying.
Patricia
July 8, 2012 at 7:16 pmAmy, your words are balm to my wounds,
to my heartache, to my self-pity, to my hurt.
Be Blessed as you Bless others.
Thank you
Patricia
Brigitte
July 8, 2012 at 10:26 pmAmy, You do not know me – I just happened to stumble upon your blog one day. Someone pinned your lemon water onto pinterest, and I have been following you since. Please know that you have one more prayer warrior out there. May you continue to find peace in your heart in knowing our God has you in the palm of His hand.
Brigitte
Health and Wellness Atholton
July 8, 2012 at 10:09 pmI am praying for you!
Shannon
July 8, 2012 at 8:06 pmThinking of you today, and praying for you. It’s so hard not to fear in a challenging situation such as yours. We can rest assured that God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid! 🙂 Praying that fear will be replaced by a peace that surpasses understanding. HUGS!
Anita Rozendaal
July 8, 2012 at 6:20 pmSomeone shared these words with me once and I think that whatever the circumstances we can be encouraged by them. So Amy I will share these words with you “All will be well”. I comfort myself with these words knowing that my Heavenly Father holds it all in His loving plan.
missy
July 8, 2012 at 6:03 pmPraying for you. My mom is a 40 year breast cancer survivor. She had her breast removed when she was 23 and with three children all under the age 3. She went on to have two more children and three lumps removed form her other breast all before she was 30. She has had many scares all thankfully scar tissue.
Stay strong.
tjandjessie
July 8, 2012 at 4:50 pmAs I began to read this…I kid you not, your song came on my Pandora station. I cried for you as I read the rest of your post remembering that my Mom often times had the same feelings you are right now. Know I am praying for God’s goodness and providence to continue to be your comfort as you wait. Hugs from across the miles!
Patty
July 8, 2012 at 4:22 pmTake care…my thoughts and prayers are with you.
simone17
July 8, 2012 at 10:15 amI am thinking of you … as always.
The imPerfect Housewife
July 8, 2012 at 1:10 pmI am a follower by e-mail and don’t comment too often but I really felt led to leave a comment and let you know that people you don’t even know of are praying for you and holding you close in their hearts. Good thoughts are with you and we all hope to hear a wonderful report. ♥
upnorth
July 8, 2012 at 11:54 amWhat an awesome God we serve! To see His tears in the rain and the radio playing that song at that time is no coincident! He has the plan and sees the end, which should give us strength for the day! Breathe and rest in Him! Praying for all of you!! Earlene
Catherine and clan (aka catnz)
July 8, 2012 at 3:25 amAs a fellow cancer patient I know the trepidation that is felt with each check-up appt – I’m just approaching my one year diagnosis anniv so it’s still early days for me. You know the ins and outs of the system and also what to look for – it makes news like this so much harder as you know how hard it is to wait. Wait for tests, insurance, results, the all-clear. Hang in there and know that the prayer warriors on your side are waging battle on your behalf. Keep,the faith that is so important. Catherine
Mary Ellen
July 8, 2012 at 2:32 amOh Amy …. praying for you….grateful that God knows just how to comfort you….His beloved….
bee blessed
mary
Michelle DeRusha@Graceful
July 8, 2012 at 2:10 amPraying hard for you, Amy. Much love to you, girl. xxoo
Michelle
July 8, 2012 at 12:15 amPraying with you, Amy! Peace in the waiting.
jeana
July 7, 2012 at 9:36 pmStill praying for you sweet Amy. Love you.
Bridget
July 8, 2012 at 2:07 amJust keep chanting, scar tissue, scar tissue, scar tissue. My thoughts are with you!
elaine @ peace for the journey
July 8, 2012 at 2:05 amWaiting with you.
peace~elaine
Melissa@TheHappierHomemaker
July 8, 2012 at 1:47 amPraying for you Amy.
Katie Goldsworthy
July 8, 2012 at 12:51 amPraying it is just scar tissue, and that the insurance approves quickly. You are in our big God’s hands!
–Katie
@ Creatively Living
Jenni
July 8, 2012 at 12:33 amI love you friend! I’m praying for you. I really like you!
sandra
July 7, 2012 at 11:43 pmPraying for you Amy, I know that God will bring you through this too.Blessings Sandra
Anonymous
July 7, 2012 at 11:03 pmPraying for you, Amy I know first hand the sorrow that yet another test brings. Praying for scar tissue (that’s what mine was last December)…and years to grow old.
Deana
July 7, 2012 at 10:45 pmAdding you and your family to our prayers…….stay strong!
Love your Sister-in-Christ
Heather Harwood
July 7, 2012 at 10:20 pmI’ve had times when I’ve visualized myself climbing into my Papa’s lap, one of the children He beckoned to come to Him…there is peace and hope in His presence. I’ve been unemployed 9 months now (single mom of 3!) and it’s been such a sweet time of blessing and REST. I have started to learn what it means to FIX my gaze on Him and in so doing, shut out the world and my well-meaning friends and families whose fears make mine worse…all of us, every one of us, take in each breath as a true gift from God. You are living in such a heightened awareness of how precious each heartbeat really is. Praying for you and thanking God for your strength, courage, and witness.
JennyBC
July 7, 2012 at 10:19 pmpraying!
Josh and Dana
July 7, 2012 at 9:36 pmPraying for you too, Amy. I love reading your transparent words and know the Lord is receiving great glory through your pressing hard into Him. I had a beak down in my kitchen a few weeks ago out of just being overwhelmed and i felt Him clearly whisper the word “lean”. I had such a clear picture of me leaning against His chest and just letting the tears flow. Hope that doesn’t sound too hokey but that’s just what I picture you doing in this post
Tiffany Brown
July 7, 2012 at 9:28 pmAs I read your update and immediately started praying for you. I felt I needed to encourage you by letting you know how much your life has touched so many that you don’t even know. You have allowed your battle with cancer to be used for God’s glory and without it would so many see Jesus like they get to by tuning into your blog. Be strong and take courage, God has big plans for YOU! 🙂
Nancy Amato
July 7, 2012 at 9:26 pmOh, Amy….I am crying along with you. I know God will watch over you and I pray your test shows that it is merely scar tissue. Please ask your doctor’s office to put some pressure on your insurance company to get approval soon. Sometimes my doctor has had to request a “peer-to-peer” review to get tests approved. It is sad that insurance companies add to the stress by their slow response when we want to have that test “yesterday.” Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you!