It is no coincidence that as tears drop down my face, out- of- the- blue large rain drops, the biggest I’ve seen, shower my windshield. I imagine God-sized tears. I know He feels with me.
The sky is grey and I’m trying not to be. I pass an retirement center & a sad longing enters. I want to grow old. “Lord, I want to grow old!”
It is no coincidence that as that whisper leaves my lips that another enters my brain. “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.”
The rain is intense, making it hard to see. Should I brace myself for a storm? I’m surprised how fear has been replaced with sadness. That is not a coincidence, for God and I have done much work on fear. Sadness seems easier. Calmer. A relief, but not.
I drive just a couple more blocks. The rain stops as suddenly as it came on.
The song on the radio catches my attention–the word “beloved,” for it is what my name means. I’ve always loved the meaning of my name.
I listen intently, the words soothe & prepare. I find the melody and the same words running through my head the next day, in weak moments. I realize the song was given as a gift, its perfect words not a coincidence. I am determine to receive it. I lift my eyes and open my hands.
Almost home now, my eyes keep lifting. I am searching for the rainbow, for it is still raining but the sun is shining. I don’t find one, but I’ve seen God’s promise before, so I will keep my eyes lifted. What I find will be no coincidence.
And now, I’m home.
I went in for my ‘every 3 month’ checkup. There is a thickening in the area that my tumor used to be. Doc can also feel the same lymph node we have been watching. Because I have had some burning sensations there (symptoms I presented with 2 years ago) and because my cancer margin was so close to the chest wall (1 mil.), she is going to be extra cautious with me. The plan is to check it out with an MRI. We need insurance to approve it first, so we won’t know anything for a week or two.
We are hoping it is just scar tissue.
I am doing fine with it. After my tears that I spoke of above, I really have felt ok and at peace. Pretty used to this stuff, at least as used to it as I think I will get. It is never comfortable, the wondering & ‘what-if’s’ but it is familiar and I’ve been through it before, and I have a great God who calls me Beloved!