I recently opened my cancer journal on my Caring Bridge site for the first time in quite a while. Thankfully, I was not opening it to start another entry informing you of sickness. I am healthy.
Yes, I am healthy, yet cancer is still very much a part of my world. I have ongoing hormonal treatment which keeps it in the forefront of my mind, nightly when I swallow down cancer meds and every 3 months when I get an anti-cancer injection.
Cancer is a part of my story and the story of many that I love. I have dear friends who have found remission and who are fighting to stay there, who allow me to enter in and be a part of their fight and stories. I also have many of you who write me and tell me of your own stories, whether it is about you or your loved ones, you share with me and I pray for you.
Yes, cancer is part of my story and always will be, and that is ok with me. It is a part that has brought many fears and tears, but also such sweet, sweet gifts; the most precious of these gifts in the form of some of my closest friends. Without cancer, I would not know them, and I would not want to walk this life without them in it.
I visited my cancer journal with the idea of consolidating the entries (along with many cancer posts I wrote for this blog) to create an ebook. I’ve had many people who are just starting out on their own cancer journey ask where they can read my story, and sending them to my Caring Bridge site has been the only answer so far.
I cringe every time I do because I know it is not an easy platform to read my words. You have to click on every entry to read, and it is easy to get lost in it. It is not a convenient way to read my story or leave my words for my girls to read someday. I’d rather have them in book form–one that I have control of– not a platform that could go away at any point. Hence my desire to write an ebook.
Looking back on bits of my cancer journal has brought on all the feels! I thought I would share the entry that I wrote the night before my mastectomy with you.
The Night Before My Mastectomy
Surgery time is finally here. I’ll be honest, I’m scared and nervous. My way of dealing with it today has been to not think about it and focus on the house and my girls. I’m about to watch a movie with Todd to distract me, then a sleeping pill, and before I know it, it will be 5:30 a.m and I will be standing in front of admissions at the hospital. I do have to shower between now and then, so I will have some time with God in there and say goodbye to my chest. How weird.
My girls really struggled tonight. We ate an awesome meal that was made with love for us, and watched a show. Right when the show ended, all three girls started crying! They knew it was time to say goodbye and go to Grandpa and Grandma’s house for a sleepover. They seemed to have a harder time with the idea of surgery than they even had when we first told them I had cancer. It broke my heart. I felt almost a sense of guilt as I saw them hurt, feeling it is my fault that they are hurting because this is happening to me. I know that is all messed up thinking..
My in-laws are great. They had us in and took time to read the Scriptures and pray with us. That was so very comforting to us all. Not heavy, just a few minutes to hear the truth of God’s Word. Don (my father-in-law) read a couple of Psalms, and it was like a salve for my heart. While he was praying, his words “Lord, we know she is in your hands” rang loud in my mind and was the exact, simple truth I needed to cling to in those moments.
Kathy (my mother-in-law) had beautiful cupcakes sitting on the counter, which was the perfect distraction for my girls as we left. We got a message a few minutes ago that let us know they were not upset anymore and are doing fine.
I have so many, many people who have contacted me. Friends, family and strangers–telling me they are praying.
I had a lady I have never met email me today to tell me she woke in the night last night and I was on her mind, which caused her to pray for me that moment! God is taking care of me through all of you.
I love you all. I am so grateful.
Todd will update this site tomorrow and let you all know how it goes.
PS BY NOON TOMORROW I WILL HAVE CLEAVAGE!!! Lol. Hee hee.
I wrote that 5 years ago, and I am sitting here 5 years later with cleavage and cancer free! I’m so very thankful.
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