Cancer Journey HEALTH Spiritual

A Cancer Health Update – Prayers Needed

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I sit writing this, with big, fat, snowflakes falling outside and Christmas music playing inside.  I feel at peace in this moment.

The last few days I have fluctuated between feelings of anxiety and feelings of peace. More peace than worry, for we have been in this place of waiting before, but this time it feel different.  Heavier.

I went to see my Oncologist last week for a routine checkup.  I was expecting to be in and out of there quickly, as I have been feeling much better compared to this summer, and have even gained weight, which was truly a comfort to me.

My doctor came in and congratulated me on reaching the 5 year mark.  She said it is encouraging, but also cautioned that as a grade 3 breast cancer survivor, she can never use the word “cured.” Regardless, there was a lightness about her and lots of smiles. She commented on my 5 pound weight gain and said my “eyes and cheeks look so much better..filled out instead of sunk in.” Why, thankyouverymuch! This made me smile.

She did her usual routine check, her capable hands sweeping over my body, feeling for lumps and bumps.  She runs her fingers along my lymph lines, a familiar path she takes every checkup, but this time they paused at the left side of my neck. I remember a short pause in that very spot 3 months ago during my last exam.  During that exam she asked me to come back in 3 months instead of the usual 6, due to my weight loss and unexplained nausea.  I had moved on from worrying about my physical symptoms, thinking it was not anything to do with cancer and blamed anxiety that I have been fighting this past year.  It has been in the back of my head that I am still experiencing morning nausea if I don’t take anti-nausea medication, but the meds work so well it is easy to just continue on and forget the extreme of my illness this past summer.

It could still blame it on anxiety, and it very well may be, but her hand stayed on my neck, and I knew she had found something that made her eyes turn concerned. And then she voiced concern.

It is a hard lymph node, higher up in my neck, a bit below my ear. It feels hard as a pebble & stagnant. She also found another node under my right arm, but that one was less concerning as it was soft and movable, although swollen.

The lightness in the room turned heavy, and she said she wants a CT scan done right after the holiday weekend.

This was 2 days before Thanksgiving, and I have been concentrating on inhaling and exhaling and trying to find my thankful in the perspective that facing one’s mortality brings. It is a love/hate thing, this facing. It is a scary place, one that I want to deny and turn away from, but it just turns with me and follows me, front and center, in my face. On my neck.

It is also a precious perspective, for we all are mortal, and every day is such a beautiful and delicate gift and I GET IT, but I lose it in the comfort of the absence of lumps, bumps & scans.

My CT scan of the brain, neck and chest is scheduled for Thursday, 12-3-15.

CT-Scan

I am afraid. I do not like looking on the insides. Especially the insides of my head.

We sat as a family and explained all that is happening to our 3 girls. They are sweet and strong & asked all the right questions. A few tears due to the unknown and scary, but they were very brave tears. This world of cancer has been their world most of their growing up years, and I know God is faithful in working it out for their good–this news and the waiting that they endure. I am the proudest of Moms.

If this node does contain cancer, the location of it makes it tricky. It places me at an automatic stage IV, and that is what brings the heavy. Nodes above the collar-bone have their own entitlement to staging–who knew? We do now.

I am hopeful for the all clear, and then I will go on and not waste this deep knowing, this reminder of how quickly life can go from ordinary to not, and how each moment is truly a gift.  I will continue to work out anxiety and do what it takes to overcome it.  I will continue to find my voice once again during this hard season.

I know I am not alone in these hard seasons of life.  I know so many of you are facing your own bumps that bring on the heavy.  I pray that we all remember that we have HOPE, especially in this advent season. It is a season of waiting on the one who comes whose name is Emmanuel, which means GOD WITH US.  This is my hope. It is a real, true hope, one that overcomes the heavy.  Yes, He is with us. He is holding me, holding you, and holds the heavy so we don’t have to.

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Want to join me in advent?  I am following along with IF:EQUIP.  If you sign up, you will get a daily email that will walk you through this Christmas season & will point us all toward true hope.

I will keep you all informed.  Be sure to follow my social channels (instagram, facebook, twitter) as I usually am able to get to them before getting to writing a full post.  I expect results from the CT scan the second week in December, hopefully by the 9th or 10th.

Love to you all!

38 Comments

  • Reply teasa December 4, 2015 at 11:09 pm

    Hi Amy. God bless you sweetie. I’m new but was on here researching natural remedies I herbals now cause I’m going thru some things right now. Modulars on both lungs but suffer from that barrette esogus and haven’t had a endoscopy in 3 yes. Due to grief of loosing my husband to lung cancer but feel like a lump in throat. Can’t hardly swallow pills. And my voice comes and goes. I’ve got a lump on my throat also that hard. I had one removed several yes back but wasn’t cancer but I’ve begged my doctor earlier to send than to throat specialist! And my heart has been acting up and hurts. I know its inflammation I guess…I got mitral valve prolapse with sle lupus. I HATE the word cancer. I’m scared Amy but your words stand out to me. I’ve read some of your other post. You are one true warrior and angel hon and touching so many. I’ll be adding you to my prayers. We serve one loving almighty god and he hasn’t stopped healing but still I know we need peace of mind. Hang in their hon sending you long distance love and angel hugs. May you get grand results and have merry Christmas. God bless you

  • Reply lisa December 3, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Praying for you every single day, brave warrior! I know the fear all too well, and understand the struggle for peace over fear. It has been a long road, and you have done so well! I know that any news like this can knock you down. So many of us are out here praying for you and thinking of you! But ultimately, you are in the arms of a mighty God. He will carry you through.

  • Reply Rachel December 3, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Praying for you and thanking God for His never failing presence and faithfulness.

  • Reply Cara December 3, 2015 at 11:58 am

    Praying for you today….

  • Reply Patty December 3, 2015 at 9:37 am

    Thoughts and prayers are with you. You are beautiful…your thoughts and words inspire me always.

  • Reply Teresa December 3, 2015 at 9:21 am

    My Dear Sweet Amy……Please know I have you & yours covered with my love & prayers…We serve such an Awesome and Able God who will see us through all these valleys of life and put us back on the mountaintop. May His Love & Peace be with you and yours as you go through these tests. God Bless and Be With You.

  • Reply Kathy December 3, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Praying for you as you head into the scan this morning. Praying for incredible peace that only He can give.

    • Reply Debbie December 3, 2015 at 8:20 am

      Thinking of you this AM, having God watch over you today and everyday.

  • Reply sl December 3, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Praying!!!

  • Reply Anna December 3, 2015 at 7:27 am

    Please feel free to email me I had a recurrence in my neck lymph nodes from breast cancer and may be able to offer some guidance.

  • Reply Chris December 3, 2015 at 6:42 am

    May the Lord Jesus be your comfort and heal you and give you and your family peace. I will be praying for you. If you would like to hear a faith-building sermon, you can go to this page and type in Greatest Battle Ever Fought in the sermon option. http://branham.org/en/MessageAudio Chris W

  • Reply Wivy December 2, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    Dear Amy,
    I have recently discovered your blog and love your ideas and recipies. Reading about the latest events in your life made me sad. I am not a religious person but I send you my thoughts an positive energy from Germany.

  • Reply Jerri December 2, 2015 at 11:47 pm

    Praying for the “all clear” and for ongoing trust in “God with us” no matter what.

  • Reply Jerri December 2, 2015 at 11:45 pm

    Praying for the “all clear” and for the ongoing trust in “God with us” no matter what.

  • Reply Laila December 2, 2015 at 10:33 pm

    Praying for complete healing!

  • Reply Kristin December 2, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    Amy, I’ve been following you for years, as a breast cancer survivor myself. Please know that I am praying for an all clear for you. May God grant you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

  • Reply Dana at Happy Little Lovelies December 2, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    Amy, you’re on my heart friend. Praying for His arms to be felt and for surprising grace through all of this.

  • Reply Bonnie Grubisich December 2, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    Hey Amy – we’ve never met but I read your blog occasionally – your last post brought me to tears concerning your latest doctor’s appointment. I will pray for you and your family. peace.

  • Reply Earlene December 2, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Amy,
    Hope is a great word even if things turn out differently for any of us, there is only hope in Christ to make all things right!!

  • Reply Becki December 2, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    Praying for you, Amy!

  • Reply Lelia Chealey December 2, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    I love you. Tears are falling. Trusting, praying, begging. ♡

  • Reply Debbie December 2, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    I love you, you are strong

  • Reply Ana Reyes December 2, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    You are loved. You are LIGHT AND STRENGTH. You’ll succeed. I’ve been following you for some time and must tell you that you are very much admired and loved. My prayers are with you.
    Take lots of care.
    Warm hugs from Spain.
    Ana

  • Reply Anna of stuffedveggies December 2, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Praying for you, Amy.

  • Reply Anonymous December 2, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Amy my prayers are with you this holiday season, may God hold you in his hands, from Canada…..take care oxo

  • Reply Ruth Robertson December 2, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Hi Amy, I’ve followed your blog for many years. I first found you when I did a google search for school morning routines, and loved your advice. That was before you were ever diagnosed. I’ve continued to follow your life story through all the ups and downs since those uncomplicated days. I’ve admired your honesty, your courage and your whole hearted trust in God, and I rejoiced as you have had these past years free of cancer. As I write to you now, I pray that the test would show that you are still cancer free, that these lumps are not a cause for concern. I pray that you would be at peace as you wait for the results, and I pray for your lovely family. God bless xxx

  • Reply Kimberly Morris December 2, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    You are in my prayers sweet cousin. Love you!

  • Reply Jo Sheets December 2, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    Prayers will be lifted up, Amy. You are a beautiful messenger of HOPE.

  • Reply Payal December 2, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    Hi Amy, sending prayers…

  • Reply Christina December 2, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    Amy I will be praying for you from London! Try to keep your mind busy and not to anticipate results and only think of the now. Good luck!

  • Reply Michelle DeRusha December 2, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I’ve been praying for you every day, Amy, and will continue to do so until you get your results. Love you so much.

  • Reply Carmela December 2, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Te sigo desde España. Mucho Animo y mucha Fe.

  • Reply Melissa December 2, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Hi, Amy — you don’t know me but I read your blog. Praying for you as you face this. I, myself, am facing another biopsy — I feel your fear but you aren’t alone.

  • Reply Melissa December 2, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    Ive been following your journey since you were going through treatment. I will be praying for you. Xoxo

  • Reply Roxie December 2, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    You and your family are in my prayers. Cancer is so ugly. It has taken a lot of my family way too early. I know the pain it can bring. Believe your Bible as I know you do, and know that His will is perfect. You are in the prayers of many.

  • Reply Deidra December 2, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    Right around the corner. Love you, sister. Praying you through.

  • Reply Sue December 2, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    Hi Amy… I haven’t commented before.. But I had to today. Just know someone here in CAnada is praying for you with all their heart. Xo

  • Reply Dee Tracy December 2, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    Amy. . . I am praying and will continue to keep you and your family close to my heart.

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